My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
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Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Mornin
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.