Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
greetings!
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I want to meet the individual who made this
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT