my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
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Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.