The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
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When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭