ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
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I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.