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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
me: my friends:
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.