What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
this… may be the greatest story ever told
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.