It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
A double negative is a big no-no.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.