Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.