I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
When you let grandma cat sit
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?