“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
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ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)