Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.