[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background