Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.