Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..