Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.