I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
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30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
I love art.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.