ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
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Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”