My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
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Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
the icebreaker
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
S/o to @funTweeters .
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs