Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
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My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Taliband
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Good Morning.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym