*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You Might Also Like
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”