My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
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Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard