How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]