Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?