Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
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According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
*jazz hands*
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*