3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number