Stop making fast and furious movies.
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?