Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
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My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Just so funny
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Found the job I’m suited for
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.