Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
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my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”