Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though