I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
You Might Also Like
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My neck my back my allergy attack
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
classic mixup
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs