Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
You Might Also Like
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
it must be school picture day
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family