There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
This is my cat’s medicine.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18