Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
peak technology
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes