“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
You Might Also Like
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉