The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.