I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
How it started: How it’s going:
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Banking tips
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding