My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?