Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
So the ex texted me
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated