I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several