Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
grotesque if literal: baby food
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!