[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
You Might Also Like
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒