FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
knights of the ikea table
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐