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My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.