ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
You Might Also Like
Plumber: I think I found the problem
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.