Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
You Might Also Like
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.