I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
man i love columbo
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?