Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.