giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
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we’re dead?
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
This makes total sense…
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.