ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A game married people play.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.